yesterday my mum went to one of our (malay) relative’s wedding. needless to say, my dad and i didnt go. why so? incase you didn’t know…
my dad and i are no longer muslims. and my desire to become a freethinker was of my own and before my dad’s decision.
anyway back to topic, ever since my maternal grandparents have passed away, i have never went to visit my maternal relatives (not that i have ever visited my paternal relatives but that’s for another entry).
it’s just that i find it very weird to visit them. i don’t wanna pretend to be the nadia they knew last time. i don’t wanna “salam” them and pretend to be who i am not. and yet, i don’t want to cause my mum distress by telling everyone of the path i have chosen. i know they’ll be sure to question my mum and i and then start to try “brainwashing” me.
i really don’t.
and yet, i feel guilty when my mum tells me my relatives have missed me and asks how have i been. it has been a good 8 to 9 years since i’ve seen them and to be honest, i don’t really miss them. i have never been super close to them.
i guess sometimes i tend to not let people super close to me. maybe thats why i find it so easy to shut people out of my life.
and yet i feel guilty that my mum has to keep making excuses for me. telling the truth is out of the question. what i’ve done, it is almost unheard of. i can’t imagine the gossip and all my mum would have to endure with.
what have i done?
maybe it’ll be easier to “disappear” from them. oh well. i wish to live my life without being forced to do anything. i do not want to live under their expectations and to pretend to be who i am not.
then why do i feel so guilty?