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Beware of the new diseases!!!

New diseases … Just when you think you are safe……

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about with the outbreaks of severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS), the Ministry of Health is now asking the public to be on the lookout for symptoms of the following new contagious diseases:

ASSMA
Severe rashes around the mouth caused by kissing too much ass.The No.1 disease in Singapore. Civil servants are unusually at risk.

DIALARRHOEA
Uncontrollable urge to continually dial friends on mobile phone to share with them such important information as “I’m now on the MRT” or “I’m walking towards the car.” Victims can be recognized by large, twitching thumb.

MEESLES
Blotchy skin condition caused by eating too many packets of instant noodles

MULTIPLE SPOUSOSIS
Affliction whereby victims make frequent trips to Bintan, Batam and China to take on additional brides. Middle-aged men are at significant risk.

YELLOW
Compulsion to date Asian females. Very common affliction amongst foreign talent/expatriates working in Singapore. Also known as Pinkerton’s Disease.

TOTONUS
Flushed complexion, high blood pressure and sometimes depression at finding out one has not touched lottery.

HEAVYTITIS
Excessively large breasts. This disease comes in several variant strains: Heavytitis A, Heavytitis B, Heavytitis C and sometimes Heavytitis DD.

CYBERTENSION
Feelings of stress and panic caused by lack of internet access.

DYEBETES
A compulsive need to colour one’s hair. Reddish brown tints are the most common symptom, but health authorities have reported a new strain of blond highlights.

CHICKEN TOX
Victims exhibit a great need to talk cock. Incurable and highly contagious. Spread by ordinary conversation, and may be exacerbated by good food and alcohol. Politicians and lawyers are especially susceptible. Incurable.