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through the eyes of ‘crystel’.

solitude and melancholic moments.

im actually an antisocial person sometimes. i prefer going back on my own or going out alone. a perfect example would be the shuttle bus service from near my place to and fro work.

going back home, i wont sit with my friends, ill sit alone. i would either take a quick shuteye or listen to my ipod and think. ponder over some issues, make some decisions and play a quick recap of the day. the frustrating thing is that i would have a story to write before i fall asleep and when i wake up, i cant remember what it is. grrr.

actually i prefer to take the mrt/bus alone. its weird to some perhaps but i dread small talk. sometimes all i wanna do is think.

i love the walk back home from my bus-stop. its a good ten minutes walk. i would take the longer route and take a slow stroll back home. sometimes i would stop for a while to play with the cats and admire mother nature. its funny that i never did that last time. perhaps i have become a more quiet person. i have toned down. i no longer find the need to fill my life full of activities or always have someone to yakkety yak to.

i now enjoy slow walks alone, reading a good book, people watching and writing. and of course listening to my ipod.

perhaps, the novelty has worn off.

i guess everything happens for a reason, for without that new chapter in life, i would probably still be living in a different kind of world. sometimes its good to be more realistic in life. cynical too. makes me wake up to the real world.

we were talking about emotional baggages in the bar today. i didnt dare to participate. why? who am i to say/advice anything when im still holding many baggages?

yet im glad i did. for without these, i wouldnt have grown emotionally. but yet, there are many things that i need to let go. for myself and for everyone’s sake. i wanna be myself one day. where the persona on my blog and the person i show to everyone is one. one day this day will come where i would have vanquished all the demons in my closet.

everything changes. change is the only constant.

its amazing sometimes. i have so much thoughts in my head and yet i can only pen (or type =P) it down but i find it difficult to talk about it. lol.

how many of you guys can see the same person on my blog and in person? heh.

but then most of us are like that i guess. its much easier to type what you feel to a blog then explaining it to someone.

or perhaps i have become a hermit. heh.

how many of us are are actors? acting a different story everyday? sometimes when i meet someone really chirpy and happy, i would wonder if that person is just acting happy.

some of us are. outside we are all chirpy and all. but inside we’re different. i once had a quarrel with a very very close friend of mine. he was pissed with me. for potraying a different image of whom i really am. for acting happy when im not. when i told him i was happy and asked him not to bother, he once said this to me ‘do you want a real friend or a superficial one?’.

i guess pride got into the way, and i didnt want anyone to see who i really was and i told him i didnt want him to help me. we drifted apart. we still talk and stuff but the closeknit friendship is gone.

before anyone helps me, firstly i have to help myself. the biggest fear? that someone will see who i really am. for i feel vulnerable….

—–

today the interns and i were talking about siblings. suddenly i really wished i had a sibling.

which was weird. for, i have never longed for one for the whole 21 years of my life (which seems longer sometimes.)

i was always content with my cats, with my mum, with my friends. i always had friends around me so i never felt lonely.

but from hearing about the way one interacts with their siblings, the rapport they have, i guess i wish for an older (and overprotective) brother. heh. it would be fun if i had a brother who would scold any date of mine with this scenario.

brother pulls date by the collar. (take note, ill prolly be in my room getting ready. heh.)

brother points a finger to date.

bro: listen young punk. i know what all young boys want. she may seem like fresh meat to you but she’s MY KID SISTER. dont you dare touch a single hair on her. if anything happens to her, i promise you, when im done with you, you will never be able to walk again.

date will tremble in fear.

hah!

i’m a sadist!

my perfect first date scenario. heh.

oh well.

back to solitude. sometimes i wish i could disappear for a loooooooooooong while. wont inform anyone and not having to answer any calls/smses.

perhaps one day i shall. (do you realise i like to end some of my blog entries this way? without an ending?)

*note: this is a figment of the author’s overactive imagination; for doesnt she spins a yarn over and over again? she spins it around your eyes so that you’ll see whatever she wants you to see*