btw. im back from my trip. 🙂
i was chatting online with a friend one day and after the conversation, i was pondering over what was said. in conclusion, i thought to myself: less expectations, less disappointments.
sometimes we tend to expect more and more from someone and when that person fails to deliver, we blame ourselves, them and everyone around us. i myself have had felt the same way, though in different situations.
i told myself then to lower my expectations. but was it the correct way? to avoid being hurt, to expect less from a relationshop, a friendship or a job? just scrape thru instead of aiming all the way to the top?
i once used this as my nick ‘why bring me up so high just to drop me down all the way?’. i felt that way then during my relationship and when everything came crashing down, i couldn’t take it. i had placed 100% and when i fell, there was nothing left to cushion my fall. friends (and readers) knew that i could not pick myself up completely then.
and i was ashamed to admit that i was actually happy being unhappy. yes, i felt that way then. i felt so miserable that being happy was being even more miserable than whatever i was feeling then. i became cynical and hurting towards people around me. i was never proud of the path i took. and till today, when i re-read my archives, i couldnt believe the depressed girl i was reading was actually me.
after the great fall, when i had a fresh new start with my relationship with tiger, i closed my heart a little. i held back my feelings. i had lowered my expectations of us. i did not dare to hope for more and in a way, i did not dare to love like before.
tiger felt it. he knew that something was wrong. he gave me time to heal and to love, once again.
as days, weeks and months go by, i managed to open up my heart and let him in once again. and as we learn from our past mistakes, we tend to appreciate the chance we’re given.
but from what i have learnt before, i have lowered my expectations (pertaining to everything in life) in a bid to prevent getting that hurt before. like a defense mechanism, like walls being built, like whatever you wanna call it…
have i lost the ability to love like before: no.
have i lowered my expectations: yes.
which would u choose? to aim for the sky and face the danger of plunging way bottom? or lowering your expectations and casting your safety net?
perhaps one day, i will be able to burn the safety net. but right now, as i try not to look back in anger and disappointment, i rather stay far far away from the top… as i said…
less expectations, less disappointments.